Natalie Kerr and Jaime Kurtz are social psychologists and colleagues in the Department of Psychology at James Madison University. Kerr’s work has been published in many academic journals, and she also writes for Psychology Today. Kurtz has also appeared in a variety of psychology journals, and previously authored The Happy Traveler, Positively Happy, and two Audible Original programs.
What’s the big idea?
Connecting socially has become increasingly complicated. Despite being more digitally connected than ever, our society is experiencing record-breaking loneliness. Many emerging cultural norms threaten to emotionally isolate us from one another. It is necessary for health and wellbeing that we practice the science-backed fundamentals of a meaningful social life.
Below, co-authors Natalie and Jaime share five key insights from their new book, Our New Social Life: Science-Backed Strategies for Creating Meaningful Connection. Listen to the audio version—read by Natalie and Jaime—in the Next Big Idea App.
1. Social connection isn’t a luxury.
Do you wish you had more time to spend with friends? If so, you’re not alone. Surveys suggest that Americans spend less time with friends than they used to (now averaging just three hours a week!), and about half of people wish they had more time with friends. This trend can be partly attributed to our busy schedules but may also reflect shifting priorities.
We have a fundamental need for social connection. We live happier, healthier, and longer lives when we have enough of it. Yet, in the modern world, we often view socializing as a luxury we can afford to live without. It can feel more like an indulgence than an essential need. When we feel pressed for time, happy hours, date nights, and brunches with friends are often the first things to go.
This mindset—that social connection is a luxury rather than an essential need—can create a barrier to social connection that we might not even be aware of. To overcome this barrier, we must remember that social connection is an essential health behavior (just as important as sleep, exercise, and good nutrition), and we need to prioritize it accordingly. Whether we consider ourselves introverts or extroverts, we must invest time, energy, and resources into relationships.
2. The norms of modern life make it hard for us to connect.
Social norms are the unwritten rules for normal or acceptable behavior in a given context. In the U.S., social norms include shaking hands when greeting someone, saying “please” and “thank you,” and giving people plenty of personal space. It’s good to conform to these types of social norms because they help people know what to expect during social interactions. They also help us maintain good relationships with others.
However, there are other social norms that we should consider breaking. Let’s consider a relatively new norm: using our phones in social settings. In a recent survey, nearly 90 percent of U.S. adults admitted to using their phone during their most recent social interaction. You can see this play out at nearly any restaurant, wedding reception, or fraternity party.
“Nearly 90 percent of U.S. adults admitted to using their phone during their most recent social interaction.”
Have you had the experience of someone repeatedly looking at their phone while you’re telling them something important? Or—even worse—have you had someone reply to someone else’s text message while you were talking to them? It feels crummy. Research confirms this behavior can make us feel rejected and less connected to our social partners. This behavior is also linked to increased conflict and decreased satisfaction in couples.
This is just one example of how social norms can make connection difficult. Other examples include the fact that we’re spending more time alone. More people are living alone and working remotely. We’ve also adopted busyness as a way of life, filling our schedules to the point where there’s little room left for spontaneous connection. Additionally, modern parenting has become so time- and energy-intensive that many of us sacrifice our social lives to support our kids’ activities.
These patterns are starting to feel normal, and many of us feel pressure to conform. We might even go along with these norms without even realizing it. If we want to live more connected lives, we need to start questioning and resisting some of the norms that define our modern social world.
3. Our assumptions about people are often wrong.
Have you ever fretted over a social blunder you thought you committed, only to learn later that no one had noticed or cared? Have you ever felt rejected when a friend didn’t return a text, only to discover they misplaced their phone? If you’re like us, you’ve had the experience of misreading social cues. After all, making sense of other people is no easy task! We can’t read minds, so we make inferences about others’ thoughts, feelings, and intentions. Decades of research demonstrate that our inferences are often wrong.
For instance, we tend to underestimate how much others will appreciate our efforts to connect. This keeps us from striking up conversations with strangers who might eventually become friends, expressing gratitude to those we’ve never properly thanked, offering social support to friends in need, and performing random acts of kindness.
Another example: have you ever replayed a conversation in your head, cringing at something you said? It’s common for people to worry about the impression they made, but our fears are often overblown. Research shows that people tend to like us and enjoy our conversation more than we think they do. Researchers call this discrepancy the liking gap.
Our faulty perceptions of other people can create a barrier to social connection. This barrier can be overcome by adopting a more positive outlook. Expect people to like you. Expect them to appreciate your gratitude, support, and kindness. Chances are, they truly will. In the rare instance that they don’t, it probably had nothing to do with you.
4. Opportunities for connection are right in front of us.
Many people think making friends is mysterious or determined by a person’s unique attributes—like a great sense of humor or good looks. These factors do matter, but research suggests that liking is also triggered by simple, mundane factors—like how often you cross paths or how much you have in common. Overlooking these simple factors can cause you to miss out on the opportunities for connection right in front of you.
“The mere exposure effect applies to foods, fragrances, songs on the radio, and—yes—people.”
One of the most overlooked factors is proximity. In the words of social psychologist Elliott Aronson, “the people who are geographically nearest to you are most likely to become dearest to you as well.” There’s nothing mysterious about the power of proximity. The more you see someone, the more opportunities there are to smile at one another, say hello, strike up a conversation, and discover common interests. The power of proximity is due to a very basic psychological phenomenon known as the mere exposure effect. In short, the more we’re exposed to something, the more we tend to like it. The mere exposure effect applies to foods, fragrances, songs on the radio, and—yes—people.
Put the mere exposure effect to work by just letting yourself be seen. Turn your camera on during Zoom meetings, comment on your friends’ social media posts, or go to the yoga studio instead of streaming a class in your living room. And try to be seen repeatedly. You could try going to the gym at the same time each day or attending the 9:00 am church service every Sunday. This increases the chances of crossing paths with the same people. Over time, you’ll start recognizing others, and they’ll begin to recognize you, which could lead to something more.
This advice is especially helpful for shy or quiet people. You don’t need to be the wittiest or most outgoing person in the room—you might just need to show up!
5. Opening up is risky, but worth it.
How do you feel about deep conversations? The ones in which you admit your imperfections, share your true feelings or reveal your deepest longings. How do you feel about showing your “true self” in a friendship? Research suggests that many of us are reluctant to engage in these types of behaviors, but they are key to unlocking greater intimacy in relationships.
Consider one study where participants engaged in shallow and deep conversations with strangers. In the shallow conversation, participants answered questions such as: How is your day going so far? In the deep conversation, participants disclosed more personal information by answering questions like: If you could undo one mistake you have made in life, what would it be, and why would you undo it?
The results showed that participants expected to prefer the shallow conversation, but they actually preferred the deeper one. They felt closer to their deep conversation partner than their shallow conversation partner, and the deep conversations were a lot less awkward than participants thought they would be. When we play it safe, we might be missing out on opportunities for meaningful social connection.
To listen to the audio version read by co-authors Natalie Kerr and Jaime Kurtz, download the Next Big Idea App today:
