Melinda Wenner Moyer is an award-winning contributing editor at Scientific American and a regular contributor to the New York Times. Her work explores the intersection of science and everyday life. She is a former faculty member at NYU’s Arthur L. Carter Journalism Institute.
What’s the big idea?
The parenting trends of today are not setting up our kids for success. Overprotection, control, and perfectionism are causing more problems than they are worth. Research suggests better ways to connect with and guide your children—ways that serve their futures, and the future of society.
Below, Melinda shares five key insights from her new book, Hello, Cruel World!: Science-Based Strategies for Raising Terrific Kids in Terrifying Times. Listen to the audio version—read by Melinda herself—below, or in the Next Big Idea App.
1. Preparing is better than protecting.
When we ask ourselves what our number one job is as parents, I think we would all agree that we want to help our kids become independent and well-adjusted adults. We want them to grow into human beings who can take care of themselves, as well as others, and who can manage all kinds of situations, including ones they’ve never come across before. Ironically, many common parenting trends and instincts work against this goal.
First, we often think we should protect our kids from hard experiences and curate their environment so they are always comfortable. These approaches make kids less able to tolerate and work through challenges and discomfort. Getting better at hard things takes practice. We need to give our kids opportunities to practice dealing with frustration and disappointment.
We also sometimes fear for our kids’ physical safety when we shouldn’t. We don’t let them walk to school or play outside with friends because we have been fed misleading statistics about stranger danger. By constantly hovering, intervening, and protecting, we rob our kids of opportunities to build social and problem-solving skills.
We often step in and do things for our kids to ensure that they don’t fail, too. We take over their science projects, pay them for good grades, hire private baseball coaches, and put them in intensive acting classes. We do it because we worry about their futures, but this kind of overprotection and pressure can backfire, putting kids’ futures at risk. The pressure parents put on kids to excel increases the chance that kids will develop low self-esteem, use substances, and suffer from mental health problems. When we emphasize that success is the only acceptable outcome, we make kids less willing to try hard things. We make them less resilient.
Sometimes, we overprotect by shielding our kids from what we consider to be adult topics. We think our kids are too young or innocent for conversations about drugs, money, racism, or pornography. But it’s possible to have age-appropriate conversations with kids about just about anything. Children are typically more aware of societal issues than we give them credit for. If we don’t talk to them, we guarantee that the information they get comes from someone else.
2. Listening is better than lecturing.
Ask kids questions. It’s simple, takes the pressure off, and is a great way to start a conversation. Asking kids questions gives you a moment to breathe, gives them the chance to share their perspective before you jump in, and can help clarify the aspects of the topic you may want to zero in on next.
Asking questions also models a curious mindset, which is important for kids to see in us. We want kids to learn that life isn’t about always having the answers, that everyone is a lifelong learner, and that it is okay to make mistakes. Asking questions tells kids that we, as adults, are still curious and willing to learn—and that as they grow up, they should be, too.
“We want kids to learn that life isn’t about always having the answers, that everyone is a lifelong learner, and that it is okay to make mistakes.”
Listening to kids—really, truly listening—is crucial. When kids feel heard and understood, they feel valued and loved, as well as calmer and safer. They become more connected to us and more willing to listen to our perspective. They feel less aggrieved. They learn through our modeling to listen to their friends and other loved ones, which helps them build stronger relationships over the course of their lives.
Listening to kids benefits humanity more broadly, too. From the research, we know that when people feel heard, they become more self-reflective, humble, and less extreme in their beliefs. When we deeply listen to our kids, we are helping build a less polarized, more open-minded, and more respectful society.
3. Comforting is better than chiding.
Kids have big feelings. Emotions are part of the human condition, although some of us are more attuned to them than others. Feelings provide essential information about our wants and needs.
For a long time, parents were encouraged to ignore, diminish, or chide their kids for their emotions. The problem is that when we communicate to kids that their feelings aren’t welcome, several unfortunate things can happen. First, when kids perceive that we are uncomfortable around feelings, they may stop coming to us when they are upset or in need of help, because they assume we’d rather not know. This can close crucial opportunities for connection and understanding.
When we chide kids for their big feelings, they may also learn to suppress or repress feelings instead of expressing them, which then makes it harder for them to listen to and interpret the useful information their feelings offer. When feelings are suppressed, kids are also not given the opportunity to practice different coping skills for learning how to emotionally regulate.
We also know from research that when parents comfort their children and regularly discuss feelings, children become more compassionate. If a child wants to do something nice for a friend, she has to be able to perceive her friend’s feelings and needs. She has to be able to read her friend’s face and body language and translate that into an understanding of what her friend is going through and what she might need, without letting her own feelings and desires get in the way. Studies have shown that the more parents talk about feelings, the more helpful and generous kids (even toddlers) tend to be.
4. Negotiating is better than controlling.
Parents often feel the need to assert themselves and take control. If we don’t, our kids will take advantage of us, right? But this is not what the research shows. When parents are overly controlling, kids tend to act out more and are more likely to develop mental health problems and substance abuse issues. Yes, we should be in charge, but we will be much more successful if we do it in a way that is respectful and allows for our children’s autonomy.
“When parents are overly controlling, kids tend to act out more and are more likely to develop mental health problems and substance abuse issues.”
This notion is especially important when managing kids’ screen time and social media use. Rules and limits can be helpful, especially with younger kids. But with tweens and teens, research suggests that what works best is when parents set limits while also considering their child’s perspective and involving them in the decision. Instead of saying, “You can’t have TikTok, end of story,” we will be much more successful if we ask our kids what they find compelling about it, research the app along with them, discuss its benefits and drawbacks, and help our kids understand our concerns. When we restrict or assert without open communication, our kids may not understand the rationale behind our decision and may be less likely to respect it.
5. Blundering is better than mastering.
One reason parenting seems so hard is that it feels like the stakes are so high. We are expected to always know what we’re doing, always know what to say, and how to react. We are expected to be perfect.
But the research suggests that when it comes to parenting, imperfection is preferable to perfection. When we make mistakes, we illustrate to our kids that nobody’s perfect, so it’s okay that they aren’t, too. When we accidentally yell at our kids, we are then given the opportunity to model for them how to take responsibility for their actions and how to apologize. When we fight in front of our kids, we are giving them the opportunity to learn how to engage in healthy conflict. When we don’t have the answers to their questions, we can model curiosity and information literacy by inviting our kids to research the topic with us. We can show them how to use Google and how to identify trustworthy sources. When we tell our kids something and later realize it wasn’t accurate, we can be honest with them about it, illustrating to them the value of acknowledging our blunders and keeping an open mind.
Parenting is a form of activism. Through the ways we engage with our kids and the conversations we have, we can help our children learn key life skills—healthy coping, resilience, empathy, financial literacy, humility, open-mindedness, and media literacy, among others. We, as parents, can build a stronger, more humane world based on how we raise our kids.
Enjoy our full library of Book Bites—read by the authors!—in the Next Big Idea App:
