Mary Anderson is a licensed clinical psychologist, author, and speaker with over a decade of experience helping people become happier, healthier, and sustainably high-achieving.
What’s the big idea?
Licensed clinical psychologist Mary Anderson has noticed a pattern: talented, productive, brilliant patients who are plagued by feelings of self-doubt, burnout, and worry. These accomplished, capable individuals are brimming with potential—but rather than feel confidence and joy, they often live in perpetual anxiety and fear. In response, Dr. Anderson has crafted a practical guide of science-backed strategies for cutting loose the cognitive distortions holding high achievers back. With her Cognitive Behavioral Therapy tools, you will have the power to optimize your life for maximum happiness and high achievement. Anxiety is not the required price for success.
Below, Mary shares five key insights from her new book, The Happy High Achiever: 8 Essentials to Overcome Anxiety, Manage Stress, and Energize Yourself for Success―Without Losing Your Edge. Listen to the audio version—read by Mary herself—in the Next Big Idea App.
1. Catch and conquer cognitive distortions––especially the Troublesome Trifecta.
Are you overwhelmed by self-doubt and your overextended schedule? Do you feel massive pressure to keep achieving big, impressive goals? Do you experience fear of failure, of making mistakes, or of being viewed as incompetent? You are not alone. Countless ambitious, high-achieving patients have walked into my office and, dropping their flawless facades, candidly and courageously described struggling with chronic stress, anxiety, worry, perfectionism, and burnout.
As they settle on my therapy couch, we begin by learning to catch and conquer cognitive distortions. Cognitive distortions are unhelpful thoughts originating from erroneous assumptions, misinterpretations, or maladaptive beliefs. It’s crucial to identify and challenge them because they needlessly ratchet up anxiety and stress. This is because of the powerful relationship between our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors—which all directly impact each other.
For example: Imagine you’re at a job interview for a position you really want and, as you shake the interviewer’s hand, you think, “What if I freeze up?”—and then you feel extremely nervous. You may wind up behaving in a way that’s disengaged, making minimal eye contact and appearing less invested. But what if instead you think to yourself, “I’m so excited I got this interview!” Imagine how different you would feel (probably motivated, proud, grateful) and how that would affect how you show up and behave at the interview (likely curious, interested, and energetic).
What thoughts you focus on will directly impact your feelings and behaviors, which will profoundly impact your life. So, when you feel overwhelmed, anxious, or stressed out:
- Step 1: Ask yourself, “What am I telling myself?” Almost always, you’ll become aware of a cognitive distortion amplifying your anxiety.
- Step 2: Poking holes in that unhelpful thought by asking, “How is my thought not necessarily true?” Find the evidence––the facts of the situation––that demonstrates your thought may be inaccurate.
- Step 3: Create new and improved self-talk. Ask yourself, “What is a more helpful thought I can focus on?” Use the evidence you just amassed to practice an accurate, believable thought that will help you move forward.
There are three cognitive distortions that most often plague high achievers—and are the greatest obstacles to excellence. I call them the Troublesome Trifecta. They include:
- All-or-Nothing Thinking: “If I’m not perfect, I’m a failure.”
- Jumping to Conclusions: “It’s not going to go well” or “They think I sound stupid.”
- Should Statements: “I should be further in my career––I’m so behind.”
Our mission is to catch and conquer these unhelpful but unfortunately ubiquitous beasts.
2. Perfectionism is the Achilles’ heel of the ambitious.
In their attempt to be perfect, high achievers limit themselves. Striving to appear flawless, they are afraid to take risks or try new things they may not immediately be adept at. They burn out from overworking (often in inefficient ways—rechecking and stressing about minor details) or avoid starting tasks or projects they worry might not come out as well as they want (which I call perfectionism-fueled procrastination). So, their lives get smaller.
Striving for perfection is counterproductive. Yet, high achievers are fiercely resistant to relinquishing that quest. Often, my clients worry that if they release the perfection metric and its accompanying anxiety, then they might become lazy, lose their edge, and not reach their goals. This is a pervasive and dangerous misconception. Shifting from striving for perfection to working toward excellence protects and enhances your edge because perfectionism results in rigid thinking and people-pleasing. At its core, it’s about feeling like you must prove yourself—tying your self-worth to achievements, appearance, or performance—instead of believing in your inherent value. If you make your internal worth beholden to external validation, you will live with chronic anxiety.
“Perfectionism results in rigid thinking and people-pleasing.”
Alternatively, striving for excellence allows for high achievement and our humanity. Mistakes are inevitable; they don’t impact our internal worth, and we can learn from them. The goal shifts from people-pleasing to making progress. Excellence is about being our best while recognizing our best will differ by the day (for example, after a good night’s sleep vs. during the flu).
Switching the metric to excellence begins with catching and conquering cognitive distortions––specifically, All-or-Nothing Thinking, which is thinking in absolutes. Identify how you may be unnecessarily forcing a dichotomy and then walk the path to excellence.
3. You need to prioritize S.E.L.F-care.
Self-care doesn’t need to mean two-hour bubble baths and week-long meditation retreats. When I talk about self-care, I mean taking good care of yourself on a regular basis. Self-care is necessary to be sustainably happy, healthy, and high-achieving.
My high-achieving patients tend to balk when I raise the idea of taking a few minutes out of their busy schedules to take care of themselves. They often minimize their exhaustion and point to someone else who is “easily” maintaining under the same pressures. But, the unfortunate, inconvenient reality is that if they don’t practice self-care, they will burn out.
I created the S.E.L.F. self-care acronym to help patients focus on the science-based self-care fundamentals that give them the best bang for their buck. These self-care fundamentals boost high-performance in the short term and excellence in the long term:
- S is for sleep. Research shows chronic lack of rest negatively affects memory, attention, concentration, and decision-making. A good night’s sleep—at least seven hours for adults—can improve productivity, problem-solving skills, memory, and concentration. Try sticking to a fixed wake time to regulate your sleep schedule effectively. Motivate yourself to get up at the same time each morning with a tempting cup of coffee or other enjoyable a.m. ritual.
- E is for exercise. Aim for thirty minutes of activity most days. This is an incredibly efficient method for managing stress and reducing levels of the stress hormone cortisol, making it one of the most effective ways to prevent burnout.
- L is for look forward. It’s easy to get mired in the daily grind, but we all need some relaxing or fun things to anticipate. Plan at least one pleasant activity a week to look forward to. Just the anticipation of something positive is powerful—you’ll get a mood boost not only when doing the activity but also when thinking about it in advance. That means scheduling activities you truly enjoy, not what is most productive. Keep it manageable: plan to meet with a friend, order your favorite takeout, or book a massage.
- F is for fuel. You need to feed and hydrate your body well; otherwise, your cognitive performance will suffer. Keep healthy, energy-boosting snacks readily available. And don’t forget to fuel your mind, too—a few minutes in nature, a few moments of quiet without scrolling on your phone, or even a few deep breaths at your desk can make all the difference.
Most importantly, keep your self-care routine doable. Choose realistic goals and stay flexible about how you achieve them so that you’re set up for success. If self-care is doable, you’ll keep doing it.
4. Gratitude is rocket fuel for success.
It’s time to debunk “The Gratitude Myth.” We’re often socialized to believe that success comes first, then happiness (because of the success), and then gratitude (because we are so thankful for our happiness). But that’s entirely backward!
Instead, gratitude leads to happiness which leads to success. Gratitude helps accelerate happiness (you feel happier when you focus on and appreciate the good, meaningful things in your life) and high achievement (happiness is associated with enhanced efficiency, productivity, and creativity).
Plus, gratitude directly combats the unhelpful thoughts that make up the Troublesome Trifecta. When you appreciate and value what you have, you’re less likely to fall into All-or-Nothing Thinking, Jumping to Conclusions, or Should Statements. For example, you may have a stressful job, but you appreciate your thoughtful coworker who is supportive of you. So, instead of thinking, “Everything is awful at work,” you can conquer your all-or-nothing thought. Gratitude is a phenomenal tool for overcoming the cognitive distortions that plague high achievers.
I call gratitude the highest elevation of self-talk. Gratitude helps us focus on appreciating what is valuable, good, or meaningful in our lives. It helps us stay balanced and keep perspective. It’s not about toxic positivity. You never need to paste a fake smile on your face when you’re suffering. Gratitude helps us see reality as it is (the good and the bad) and empowers us to focus on the good that helps us feel better and keep moving forward. Appreciation is higher ground that provides a much better vantage point.
5. Start now!
The phrase that I hear most often at final sessions with my patients is, “I wish I had started this sooner.” That’s because optimizing your thoughts (like overcoming cognitive distortions) and behaviors (like regularly implementing self-care) can enhance everything from work to home to health to relationships. You deserve to feel and be your best now!
As Buddhist monk and peace activist Thich Nhat Hanh once said, “The best way to take care of the future is to take care of the present moment.” When you’re ambitious with a jam-packed schedule, it can feel hard to make time for yourself. But now is the time to boost your calm and confidence, so you can be sustainably happy and high-achieving throughout your lifetime. Now is what we have.
“It’s only by taking action that you will transform your life for the better.”
So, start now: to talk to yourself like you would a dear friend––rather than relentlessly berating yourself with self-critical thoughts. As premier self-compassion researcher Kristin Neff, PhD, writes in her book Fierce Self-Compassion, “Research shows not only that we can learn to be more self-compassionate, but that it radically changes our lives for the better.”
Start now: to take good care of yourself. That means rocking the S.E.L.F.-care fundamentals. You don’t need to do them perfectly or all at once. Just focus on making progress.
Perhaps most importantly, start now: to transform your Awareness into Action. When you become more aware of your thoughts and behaviors, then you can take action to optimize them. And it’s only by taking action that you will transform your life for the better.
You can overcome anxiety and effectively manage stress. You can create and maintain excellent habits. You can persevere through mistakes or difficult moments and keep moving forward. You can be a happy, healthy high achiever and enjoy an excellent life. Now go––you got this!
To listen to the audio version read by author Mary Anderson, download the Next Big Idea App today:
