Ashley Graber and Maria Evans are child and family psychotherapists, parent coaches, and speakers. The duo runs ongoing parenting groups in which parents around the world can discover a wealth of caretaking strategies. They have trained over 8,000 psychotherapists, psychologists, counselors, and parent coaches to support children with anxiety.
What’s the big idea?
Children need their parents to help them learn how to regulate their toughest emotions. Parents can easily (accidentally) speak and behave in ways that encourage a defeatist, fearful, frustrated way of thinking. Rather than fuel anxiety, caregivers can use the five-step SAFER framework to create emotional safety, build their children’s self-esteem, and guide better behaviors instead.
Below, co-authors Ashley Graber and Maria Evans share five key insights from their new book, Raising Calm Kids in a World of Worry: Tools to Ease Anxiety and Overwhelm. Listen to the audio version—read by Ashley and Maria—in the Next Big Idea App.
1. Set the tone.
This is the first and most foundational principle. Setting a calm tone involves regulating your own emotions. Your ability to find calm helps your child find theirs.
In one parenting session, a mother shared, “I worry about everything. Did I email the school? What’s for dinner tomorrow? Is that cough serious? I lose so much sleep that I’m irritable with the kids and end up running around frantically.” Especially around children, it’s necessary to talk about our concerns in a way that maintains a positive and non-fearful outlook. When you express anxiety about something, it can also make your child feel uneasy. It’s important to be mindful of how you talk about your fears.
During a different session, a dad shared a telling moment: “My wife really dislikes crowds and makes it known that you could get sick from someone sneezing close to you, that there could be pickpockets—stuff like that. It’s no surprise that our son now refuses to go to crowded places with us.” Their son was dragging his feet about attending a summer concert for which the family had bought tickets. Months in advance, the son was reacting to what we call scary framing, meaning portraying a situation as if danger is imminent.
For instance, if you’re driving and yell, “Whoa! That car almost caused an accident. We could have been seriously hurt.” That is scary framing, but as much as you can, try to use safe framing instead. In this case, you could rephrase it more neutrally, like, “Phew, that was close. That driver wasn’t paying attention.” Here’s one more example to help you differentiate between scary framing and safer, more positive framing:
- Scary framing → Being out after dark is risky. Just one wrong look and you could be in serious trouble. Pedestrian accidents are frighteningly common at night.
- Safe framing → It’s safer to be home before dark. However, if you need to be out later, keep your phone handy and stay alert. Being visible and aware are your best precautions after sunset.
2. Allow feelings to guide behaviors.
Every parent wants to know what to do and what to say when their child has big feelings. There are ways to repair situations and steer them toward alternative behaviors instead of scolding and punishing them when things don’t go well.
One of our favorite tips is to make a plan to cope, or what we call a PTC. Make a PTC for what they will do to manage their feelings differently. When you encounter resistance or backtalk from your child, it’s a sign that they need more help managing their emotions. Try saying something like this: “Being angry is totally okay, but ignoring me is not. I want us to have a plan for what you and I can try in these moments. What do you think you can do instead?”
“When you encounter resistance or backtalk from your child, it’s a sign that they need more help managing their emotions.”
They might say, “I don’t know.” Give them suggestions for coping tools and brainstorm new ideas together. Ask them, “Do you want to take a few moments in your chill zone when you get irritated? Or if you feel mad at your sister at dinner, would you like to have your trading cards on the table to sort for a few minutes?” You can state, “There’s no hitting and screaming. I want to help you find something else to try.” Commit to your end of the deal, too. Say, “I’ll work on my tone, and if I start to feel frustrated, then I will pause and use a coping tool.”
Set the stage for their future growth and progress. They may not take you up on it this time, but they will hear you. Your golden rule is to guide the behavior, not the feeling. Guide them away from unhelpful behaviors toward productive coping skills. Say it out loud: Feelings are always welcome. Behavior is what I will guide.
3. Form identity.
Cultivating a strong sense of self is essential for a child’s emotional well-being. To do this, you must acknowledge their strengths, nurture your relationship with them, and anchor them in your family, heritage, and broader community.
One nine-year-old’s parents told us that their son was feeling particularly bad about himself. After his parents got his progress report, he said to his father, “Do you even love me?” To which his dad replied, “I’ve loved you from the moment you came into this world. That will never change, no matter what grades you get.” It is vital for a child to feel unconditional support that is not tied to outcomes, appearances, or performance.
Be lavish about pointing out the qualities you admire in your kids, such as kindness, empathy, and creativity. Spot and verbalize them in the moment—it feels good to your kids. Even if they play it cool, trust that your praise gets them excited about themselves.
You don’t need to go over the top, but acknowledge the positive traits or behaviors you notice via specific and meaningful comments. If your child takes a clever approach to a problem, say so: “You’re so good at working through friendship issues. You helped Declan talk to Andres. How did you figure that out?” Talk about them to an adult when they’re within earshot: “Wow. Carrie set up my phone for me so quickly. I’m really impressed.” By noticing these strengths, you help them see the best parts of themselves.
4. Engage like a pro.
SAFER parenting includes the tools we, as psychotherapists, use to navigate conversations with children effectively. You’ll learn communication strategies to make you the trusted person your child can approach to discuss any topic.
Ask what they want. Sometimes, conversations are hard because your child is angry with you. You may be in a conversation echoing, validating, and listening to them, and they’re frustrated and hate it, maybe even snapping. Nothing seems to change the situation. When in doubt, ask what they want from the conversation.
“If they don’t know what they need, take a break and help them.”
In relationships, what’s most important is attempting to get it right. Ask your child the special question: “Do you want my opinion or for me to just be on your team and listen?” If they don’t know what they need, take a break and help them. Turn to a coping tool. Come back to the conversation when everyone feels better.
5. Role model.
To create a calm environment for your child, you need to closely examine which of your own behaviors might inadvertently increase their anxiety. This principle will help you assess how you manage stress and its impact on your children.
Watch out for defeatist statements. Kids notice when you speak negatively about yourself or berate yourself for minor mistakes. They hear when you say things like, “I can’t get anything right.” During an afternoon in a large parenting group, one dad said, “I’m really hard on myself. When I think back, I remember my dad mumbling things like I’m such an idiot or good for nothing when he missed out on a construction job. I pushed myself hard, and I’m proud of what I’ve achieved for myself and my family, but I’ve said the same thing to myself all these years—that I’m nothing unless I succeed.”
Another parent, who anguishes over her every parenting move and worries about her perception at work, told the group, “I constantly ruminate about the choices I’ve made in the past and stress about the future. I repeatedly sit in front of my children deflated and go on and on about how did I make that stupid mistake on the spreadsheet or lamenting about office politics and how I handled my latest meetings.”
If you find yourself having difficulty letting something go, watch out for falling into powerlessness about life decisions in front of your kids. They’ll take this resigned thought pattern and run with it in their mind. Find what coping skills work for you. Genuinely practice them in front of your kids and talk to them about the benefits. We call this show and tell.
For example, one mother told her daughter, “I’m so annoyed by the neighbors stomping around upstairs. To calm my nerves, I’m going to do that thing where you dunk your face in ice water.” Let your child watch you submerge your face into a bowl of freezing cold water, and don’t be afraid to laugh about it together as water drips from your eyebrows.
To listen to the audio version read by co-authors Ashley Graber and Maria Evans, download the Next Big Idea App today:
